[ once again, his hand comes up playing it off as casually rubbing the back of his head, but it's obvious his thumb is brushing over the entry point of the original wound almost-thoughtfully. ]
... sure. But what can I even do about that? [ sort of pointing out why he's not talking about it, because to him he thinks "it happened, and i can't change that." it's apollo trying to figure out what should and shouldn't be said, or what is comfortable while still grappling with, as klavier said, the lack of footholds. ]
[ klavier's watching that moving thumb. he smiles again, although this time it's muted. ]
Does something have to have a solution in order to be acknowledged?
[ klavier is more of a classic romantic than the two of them. while apollo compartmentalizes, klavier is more calm and flexible, in tune with his thoughts and emotions from years of songwriting and composition. he's aware of how human psychology works—the way feelings can make people act unpredictably, or even make them stop acting at all. apollo needs to tap into those feelings he's forcing away.
they've made out, so klavier has no qualms about leaning forward and setting a hand on apollo's knee. (again, not suggestive. just to ground him a little.) ]
You lead that trial by the hand for many hours up until now. You can have a moment to take in all of what's happened, ja?
[ he's half-tempted to say "yes" because apollo loves solutions. it's true though. klavier is right, he's more emotionally open that way where apollo tries hard to crush his feelings. he's unfortunately very passionate about very specific things when he feels like he's allowed, but when it comes to his more sensitive emotions it's iffy.
he allows klavier's hand on his knee, and he doesn't pull away like he might have before. they've made out (a fact he keeps thinking about because thanks for dying right after that, klavier), so this feels hilariously minor. he hears it spelled out for him, looking at klavier for a long moment, eyes dark and huge in his face as he contemplates what to do.
but he ends up taking an unsteady breath, hand dragging over his face to ground himself further .]
... I didn't tell the Wrights I was coming here. I didn't think it would matter, and I said yes because I thought I would lose the chance if I didn't. [ it was impulse out of stress. out of wanting a break. to try something different. ] And now I'm here. I don't even know if Trucy's okay.
[ this isn't entirely the problem but the guilt is there anyway. has been from the beginning. ]
[ the cracks are finally starting to appear. it'll take a little more prying open for apollo to open up, and klavier likes to think he has a steady hand. despite making out and dying. that sure did happen.
his eyes briefly flicker down as he thinks. ]
I don't believe Herr Wright would abandon the Fräulein so haphazardly. She is being well taken care of, I'm sure, though I understand your worry.
You didn't think they would care to know if you were take a vacation? They might have had the same opinion as myself—that it seemed sorely needed.
[ we don't need to address apollo's new complicated feelings that came from klavier dying after they made out because they're messy, so this is probably better. ]
Probably not. [ he says probably because he knows phoenix would take care of trucy, but he was also infuriatingly cryptic about it when apollo asked and he's seen how the wrights operate in general. it's a little weird and concerning, even if apollo doesn't realize this just means he cares about both of them.
anyway he... shrugs. ]
It's not that I didn't think they'd care. [ it's a little of that because apollo is still finding his footing in the agency. ] I didn't think it would matter if there weren't cases to assign me to and they were busy with other things. Mr. Wright would probably just stack all of the chores around the office and wait for me to come back anyway.
[ but even while he's talking it's probably not a wrong assessment. apollo needed a break after the last several insane months. but he's not the only one, and it's why he looks at klavier again. ]
You know I'm not the only one who could've used a break, right. [ he had seen how the last trial impacted all of them, so he's happy to point out the hypocrisy of this while doing exactly what klavier just told him not to do and compare the two things. ]
I do. Why do you think I accepted this offer for a vacation in the first place?
[ of course klavier needed a break. his trust and judgment have been damaged almost irreparably. he needed to get some time away from even the people he's closest with just to reevaluate, maybe forgive himself for his arrogance and willful ignorance.
but that's a topic for another time. apollo just died. ]
I think it's only courtesy to report a leave of absence to your employer, for personal reasons or otherwise, ja? No matter the level of professionalism of the place. You are a professional.
[ and honestly, trucy is probably pissed and inconsolable back home right now since she can't reach apollo and doesn't know where he is. even klavier knows that. he won't mention it, though. ]
When we leave this place, you can apologize to the young Fräulein in person. I'm sure she will put you through the ringer.
on the bright side he's glad that klavier can acknowledge that. (apollo has his own thoughts about how klavier is probably thinking and feeling after everything but he's wise enough to keep them to himself. he could go step by step with everything he thinks and all of the things klavier will have to untangle, but he also knows it's not his place at the moment to talk about it.)
more than that he knows klavier doesn't have to be here talking to him. ema had been nice in her own ema way and eventually told him to go relax because he had just died. this is klavier's own method of handling it, and maybe he shouldn't be surprised he's more of a "talk about your feelings" person. it's not like apollo is unaware of how he feels. he's just... ]
Yeah, I got it. I didn't tell them because I was going to when I got here, and then we lost all of our stuff anyway. [ because he knows he would not have totally had the resolve to leave just for a vacation if trucy asked him to stay. there's no goal tied to it, so it was harder to convince himself it had to be done. please don't ask him, he's still trying to convince himself he's allowed to want things that won't disappear on him without warning. ] I'm sure she will, too. I can already hear the lecture... my fault, I know.
[ sorry trucy. but, well. ]
If I told her, I would've had to explain why. And I don't know how to explain why. Not in a way that makes it sound better than what it is.
[ (not now. maybe later, and maybe after klavier has a drink with him to loosen up a bit. klavier might be more in tune with his emotions, but right now, he's probably sorely lacking in people to open up to.) ]
Then perhaps the two of us can brainstorm, if that will ease your conscience. But if I were to guess... I believe the young Fräulein would want you to be honest with her. You can't always hide how you feel very well, and she can be just as uncannily perceptive as you.
[ his face contorts a little like he's going to argue about that six different ways before he gives up. he knows he's prone to outbursts on occasion and isn't always great at hiding his feelings despite being as uptight as he can be. likewise he knows trucy is insanely perceptive of him in particular, even if he doesn't always get how. so he settles for an annoyed little huff. ]
Right. I know. [ considering trucy's own circumstances, of course she'd want honesty. hell, apollo himself wants honesty even when he's not always sure how to give it himself. it's why he stalls. ]
... after Mr. Wright's trial, I thought about quitting entirely. We didn't talk for months, and then he offered me a job. Sort of. He didn't hire me to be a lawyer but... [ well. actually. scrubs at his face again. ] I don't even know now. Maybe that was part of his big plan, too. Bring me in and have me act as the defending counsel for other cases because he couldn't so that I could help him finish his seven year plan. And he told me why he did things the way he did and about what happened seven years ago, and I get it. I understand better now. But it's just... you know. How much of this was me getting here because of me versus because Mr. Wright was pulling all the strings in the background for me to act on it?
I wanted to get away for a while to try and think, I guess. [ he hasn't fully developed all of his confidence in court, though he's much better. but looking at how the chips fell, it's sort of a lot to consider. he's forgiven phoenix for some things and he does believe in him again in some ways, but it's hard to ignore some of the other stuff. ]
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no subject
Let's not make comparisons, Apollo. We deal in established facts, so let's lay them out.
You were stabbed in the neck in a room of people. It was very sudden and gruesome, and now you are left to reckon with it with little footholds.
no subject
... sure. But what can I even do about that? [ sort of pointing out why he's not talking about it, because to him he thinks "it happened, and i can't change that." it's apollo trying to figure out what should and shouldn't be said, or what is comfortable while still grappling with, as klavier said, the lack of footholds. ]
no subject
Does something have to have a solution in order to be acknowledged?
[ klavier is more of a classic romantic than the two of them. while apollo compartmentalizes, klavier is more calm and flexible, in tune with his thoughts and emotions from years of songwriting and composition. he's aware of how human psychology works—the way feelings can make people act unpredictably, or even make them stop acting at all. apollo needs to tap into those feelings he's forcing away.
they've made out, so klavier has no qualms about leaning forward and setting a hand on apollo's knee. (again, not suggestive. just to ground him a little.) ]
You lead that trial by the hand for many hours up until now. You can have a moment to take in all of what's happened, ja?
no subject
he allows klavier's hand on his knee, and he doesn't pull away like he might have before. they've made out (a fact he keeps thinking about because thanks for dying right after that, klavier), so this feels hilariously minor. he hears it spelled out for him, looking at klavier for a long moment, eyes dark and huge in his face as he contemplates what to do.
but he ends up taking an unsteady breath, hand dragging over his face to ground himself further .]
... I didn't tell the Wrights I was coming here. I didn't think it would matter, and I said yes because I thought I would lose the chance if I didn't. [ it was impulse out of stress. out of wanting a break. to try something different. ] And now I'm here. I don't even know if Trucy's okay.
[ this isn't entirely the problem but the guilt is there anyway. has been from the beginning. ]
no subject
his eyes briefly flicker down as he thinks. ]
I don't believe Herr Wright would abandon the Fräulein so haphazardly. She is being well taken care of, I'm sure, though I understand your worry.
You didn't think they would care to know if you were take a vacation? They might have had the same opinion as myself—that it seemed sorely needed.
no subject
Probably not. [ he says probably because he knows phoenix would take care of trucy, but he was also infuriatingly cryptic about it when apollo asked and he's seen how the wrights operate in general. it's a little weird and concerning, even if apollo doesn't realize this just means he cares about both of them.
anyway he... shrugs. ]
It's not that I didn't think they'd care. [ it's a little of that because apollo is still finding his footing in the agency. ] I didn't think it would matter if there weren't cases to assign me to and they were busy with other things. Mr. Wright would probably just stack all of the chores around the office and wait for me to come back anyway.
[ but even while he's talking it's probably not a wrong assessment. apollo needed a break after the last several insane months. but he's not the only one, and it's why he looks at klavier again. ]
You know I'm not the only one who could've used a break, right. [ he had seen how the last trial impacted all of them, so he's happy to point out the hypocrisy of this while doing exactly what klavier just told him not to do and compare the two things. ]
no subject
I do. Why do you think I accepted this offer for a vacation in the first place?
[ of course klavier needed a break. his trust and judgment have been damaged almost irreparably. he needed to get some time away from even the people he's closest with just to reevaluate, maybe forgive himself for his arrogance and willful ignorance.
but that's a topic for another time. apollo just died. ]
I think it's only courtesy to report a leave of absence to your employer, for personal reasons or otherwise, ja? No matter the level of professionalism of the place. You are a professional.
[ and honestly, trucy is probably pissed and inconsolable back home right now since she can't reach apollo and doesn't know where he is. even klavier knows that. he won't mention it, though. ]
When we leave this place, you can apologize to the young Fräulein in person. I'm sure she will put you through the ringer.
no subject
on the bright side he's glad that klavier can acknowledge that. (apollo has his own thoughts about how klavier is probably thinking and feeling after everything but he's wise enough to keep them to himself. he could go step by step with everything he thinks and all of the things klavier will have to untangle, but he also knows it's not his place at the moment to talk about it.)
more than that he knows klavier doesn't have to be here talking to him. ema had been nice in her own ema way and eventually told him to go relax because he had just died. this is klavier's own method of handling it, and maybe he shouldn't be surprised he's more of a "talk about your feelings" person. it's not like apollo is unaware of how he feels. he's just... ]
Yeah, I got it. I didn't tell them because I was going to when I got here, and then we lost all of our stuff anyway. [ because he knows he would not have totally had the resolve to leave just for a vacation if trucy asked him to stay. there's no goal tied to it, so it was harder to convince himself it had to be done. please don't ask him, he's still trying to convince himself he's allowed to want things that won't disappear on him without warning. ] I'm sure she will, too. I can already hear the lecture... my fault, I know.
[ sorry trucy. but, well. ]
If I told her, I would've had to explain why. And I don't know how to explain why. Not in a way that makes it sound better than what it is.
no subject
Then perhaps the two of us can brainstorm, if that will ease your conscience. But if I were to guess... I believe the young Fräulein would want you to be honest with her. You can't always hide how you feel very well, and she can be just as uncannily perceptive as you.
[ :') ]
What is your reason then?
no subject
Right. I know. [ considering trucy's own circumstances, of course she'd want honesty. hell, apollo himself wants honesty even when he's not always sure how to give it himself. it's why he stalls. ]
... after Mr. Wright's trial, I thought about quitting entirely. We didn't talk for months, and then he offered me a job. Sort of. He didn't hire me to be a lawyer but... [ well. actually. scrubs at his face again. ] I don't even know now. Maybe that was part of his big plan, too. Bring me in and have me act as the defending counsel for other cases because he couldn't so that I could help him finish his seven year plan. And he told me why he did things the way he did and about what happened seven years ago, and I get it. I understand better now. But it's just... you know. How much of this was me getting here because of me versus because Mr. Wright was pulling all the strings in the background for me to act on it?
I wanted to get away for a while to try and think, I guess. [ he hasn't fully developed all of his confidence in court, though he's much better. but looking at how the chips fell, it's sort of a lot to consider. he's forgiven phoenix for some things and he does believe in him again in some ways, but it's hard to ignore some of the other stuff. ]